Winding DownDownDown

SantaScottIt’s Christmas around the world shortly and bloggers everywhere are shutting the hell up. Okay, at least I am, but this is probably a good thing. If you’re feeling lost and abandoned with the sporadic nature of posts of late, well, while I appreciate the audience, I hope Santa brings you a life for 2011.

Here are the pros and cons of blogging for me as experienced this year, in no particular order:

  • Pro: Blogs impress girls
  • Con: Whether it’s the right kind of girls remains to be seen
  • Pro: I got a fashion overhaul
  • Con: I have nothing to WEAR!
  • Pro: A reason to keep up with current events and media
  • Con: Actually keeping up with current events and media
  • Pro: There is a reason to sit down and write daily
  • Con: I am drinking way more coffee

(Pauses for coffee…)

  • Pro: Media Exposure
  • Con: Stalker Chick
  • Pro: Can describe self as “blogger”
  • Con: New synonym for “loser”
  • Pro: Colleagues in the Blogosphere
  • Con: Colleagues in the Blogosphere
  • Pro: Good excuse to start using Twitter
  • Con: Twitter
  • Pro: Using Photoshop to make clever composite photos
  • Con: Blog – 20 minutes. Clever composite – 3 hours.

The list could go on and on I am sure. That’s the easy part. However, I have presents to wrap and Christmas baking to avoid. Oh, and a clever composite to photoshop. I’ll post in 3 hours…

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Published in: on December 22, 2010 at 10:29 am  Comments Off on Winding DownDownDown  
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Relaxed. My Ass.

JEANS SHOPPING THE OLD WAY:

  1. Go to Blue Chain Store
  2. Stand in front of Wall O’ Jeans
  3. Pretend to Read signs
  4. Look for cheapest price
  5. Fail to find appropriate size
  6. Look for next cheapest price
  7. Decide the word “Relaxed” is good
  8. Think about relaxing
  9. Realize you’re not
  10. Grab a pair of relaxed fit in correct(ish) size
  11. Try them on
  12. If they don’t hurt, buy them
  13. Get the hell out
  14. Wear ugly jeans until they disintegrate
  15. Repeat

And here’s what happens:

Before-Butt

JEANS SHOPPING THE KATALYST WAY:

1. Shut up and put on the pants that Kathryn hands you

The result:

After-Butt

There was another pair of jeans. Even nicer than the ones pictured. So nice, in fact, that Kathryn could not hold the camera steady as she was incredibly moved by the glory of denim-clad Man-butt as well as her genius for discovering the right venue for showcasing. Needless to say, I have not taken those jeans off since Thursday.

The jeans are but (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) the beginning of the journey, not the end (HAHAHAH… oh forget it). It was odd, having my behind the subject of intense inspection. I understand, it’s a well-formed and shapely ass for a man of 50 (although not perfect – there’s a suspected issue with the right piriformis), well-worked as it is, hauling the rest of me from place to place. And really, in the grand scheme, improving my jean pool was probably the least significant of Kathryn’s accomplishments.

I’ll be back. With more pictures.

Now, On the Bad Side…

Scott Dressing room 01

 

…Kathryn said, “Manscara”.

Yes, it did. Big time.

On the Good Side, that was the only time I said “no” to her yesterday.

<sigh> I’m so easy.

Problem, though, guys. I have a fundraiser gig first thing tomorrow in prime blog time, so I will not be able to impart wit and photos in detail tomorrow morning (or I guess now, if it’s Friday already).

WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU: Yes, I am being a prick and prolonging the agony.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE:  I will share some teasing, non-committal photos so that you know I’m not making all this up.

DISCLAIMER: Just because I say I’m not making it up doesn’t mean I’m not making it up. This is the Net. Be smart. Question everything. Unless you go Spooky Conspiracy Nut. Then just go away and play with your friends.

Scott VVScott VV2Feet

Scott VeronicasPlatypus-transparent

Published in: on November 26, 2010 at 12:55 am  Comments Off on Now, On the Bad Side…  
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Big

Still in the aftermath of my Initial Consultation yesterday. Surprisingly, Kathryn was much less like an American Idol panel than I feared. Perhaps there was some trepidation on my part that her inner man-hater would come out wielding Wolfgang Puck knives to slice and dice my existence into constituent atoms to give her the building blocks to create a stylish, mannered, charming emasculated Ken Doll (oh. I forgot “lobotomized”). This is what men inherently fear is the desire of All Women Everywhere who say things like, “You need a haircut,” “don’t wear the red shirt,” or who do that little eye roll/head shake combination.

So, essentially, Kathryn led me down the garden path painlessly. I still sense a trap, rather a multitude of traps. I see this as walking across a floor littered with loaded rat traps and I am the rat. I step lightly. This is Not Me or Anyone I Know

And for a guy my size I do step lightly. As well as Round, we determined that I was Big. Again, this will cause some of you to say things like, “duh” and “no shit, Sherlock” and again, I have some experience with the idea that I am not, as discussed, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham, no matter how much I want to be.

We did touch a little on the S word. Shopping. I am blessed with an extended attention span for a man when it comes to clothes shopping (I am talking Real Men, not Metrosexuals or Japanese Girly Men). I can sometimes go up to 10 minutes before the desire to flee, trap animals and eat their raw flesh overcomes me. And that is one of my more relaxed urges.

A visit to the Big Blue Retailer of the Gods is… well… encouraging me to dress down. I can get t-shirts in six different colours up to 3X (to make me feel Small and Square) easily, any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Nice Clothes, well that’s another matter. The mere existence of 3X t-shirts says to me, okay, we acknowledge Big Round Guys exist. Even Really Big Round Guys, of which I am not. I’m actually, I think, kind of average for a Big Round Guy.

Nice Clothes have to have 19” necks on them to feel and look right around me. Forget about the fact that shirts with 19” necks tend to have sleeves made for knuckle-dragging length arms. So my arms are short for my neck – luck of the draw. What pisses me off is that in the standard shipping lot of 1 Gazillion of each item of clothing a typical Big Blue Retail Store receives, there will be 2 shirts with a 19” neck.

The same holds true for more upscale men’s stores also. I spoke with a manager who had some Great Shirts, but not in my size. “Well we only get two of those, because we only sell two of most things in that size.”

Um.

The stupidity speaks for itself.